Well, it’s my own fault. I asked what the French or German equivalent for ‘gigolo’ would be, and it’s been plaguing me ever since. So, unless anyone can suggest better, I propose:
French: sac à main, or “handbag”.
German: Päckchen Wurst, or “packet of sausage”
I made sure the alternatives scan correctly (“I’m just a Päckchen Wurst …”), but I couldn’t preserve the rhyme. It’s a start, though.