The Trouble With the English Is They Have No Word For “Kitsch”

Alright, Lloyd Webber, ‘fess up. Here’s what I think happened.

This came out in 1973:

It was covered, a lot, and this version went to #2 in Australia in 1974:

One of those covers, under the title “Words Are Impossible”, was by Tony Christie, who played Magaldi on the first recording of Evita. That’s where you met him, Andrew, and the two of you shared a secret love for kitsch. I can prove it, because Christie moved to Germany, and began working with a songwriter named Drafi Deutscher.

Then in 1983 Drafi Deutscher wrote …

… and performed …

… under the name of …




Those masks! That band-name!

Why does it matter? Well, back in the early ’70s, Andrew, when Time magazine asked you to recommend music to young rock bands, you suggested Shostakovich’s 10th Symphony. Shostakovich rocks hard, but you don’t really love him, do you? You love Drafi Deutscher, admit it! You went back to your spiritual home when you co-wrote and played that piece of sub-Menken pap in Eurovision last year, didn’t you?

It’s OK, man, it’s alright. Let it out. ‘Cos, truth be told, I freakin’ love that Osmosis song, and that Masquerade one too. I share your secret love, and maybe if a big name like you came out, others could too. Think about it.

Hope your prostate’s on the mend.


2 thoughts on “The Trouble With the English Is They Have No Word For “Kitsch”

  1. Highlight of last year:

    – Seeing Puccini’s La Fanciulla del West at Covent Garden from staff seats in the Orchestra Stalls (actual cost a tenner)

    – Seeing Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber in the seats two rows in front of us (still a tenner, but getting close to the actual face value of the seat, 80 quid)

    – Giggling and nudging my friend each time the hooks to Music of the Night and Think of Me were played and sung under the baton of Antonio Pappano (Priceless)

  2. Further research (OK, trawling YouTube) yields this earlier version, minus most of the kitsch, but with added perm-mullet and lunchpack-jeans. You have been warned.

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