I used to MC Monday night cabaret performances at the Street Theatre, but I was so good they had to get rid of me. No, seriously, folks, they decided they didn’t want an MC any more.
Anyway, I liked it because it made me write. I’d sing a little theme song, and then do a piece of specialty material designed to introduce the featured act, be it Janet Seidel, Louise Page or Matthew Robinson. It was a good challenge and it got me off my rear.
At my time of – ahem – cessation, I was working on a song for Judi Connelli and Suzanne Johnston. I knew from my own experience that their audience would be knowing, campy and noisy (even though many of them would not be through the rest of the week), so I started a song called Two Women Doin’ It. A couple of quick gags, a reveal at the end that it’s all, obviously, about singing, and then off. Bada-bing, bada-bang, bada-boom.
Such songs languish when their original intent is taken away. Really, where else can a piece of specialty material be, as it were, draped?
So I was very happy when Sue and Sarahlou, two of the sopranos who helped me find out last month if my half-opera is any good, approached me.
Sarahlou: Peter, we’re singing at the CAPO auction, and we wanted to do something fun. Do you have anything? Any ideas?
Me: We? You mean you two? Two … women?
I finished the lyric yesterday (not that a lyric is ever really finished), so here it is. The music will be a waltz, I think. Play something very proper and Victorian in your head while you read the following.
What could be finer than two women doin’ it?
Doin’ it in front of you tonight?
One above, one below, both of them doin’ it,
What an exquisite delight!
Two men? As harsh as lawn mowers.
Two men? All noisy and thrusting.
Two men? They puff like leaf blowers,
And when they both have moustaches
That’s just disgusting.
We know you’d rather have two women doin’ it,
Doin’ it with all of their might.
It’s a natural thing, two women doin’ it,
Doin’ it, and doin’ it right.
Whether waltz or rondeau,
Whether presto or slow,
Who would forego
Two women doin’ it?
We know you know
A man would only ruin it.
Rest assured that whether you’re applaudin’ or booin’ it,
We’re doin’ it together tonight.
For when two rough men
Burst into song
In the depths of a temple
Is just where they belong.
Two women can hit the heighest height
And we’re doin’ it together tonight.
It’s probably too wordy, and needs a couple of gags tightened or cut, but that’ll happen when the tune arrives, I hope.
How will it go down with the CAPO crowd? I don’t know …