I know of only two other songs that deal, in part, with the four laws of thermodynamics. One is First and Second Law by the superb Flanders and Swann, and the other is Entropy by MC Hawking. The former is suitable for children; the latter ain’t.

I’m afraid I am silly enough to attempt all four laws, from Number Zero to Number Three, and to explain the rules of fame and celebrity by use of them.

The joke about winning, breaking even etc. is often attributed to C P Snow, but its real authorship, like that of most good jokes, is lost to history. If anyone can lay convincing claim to the gag, I will happily share royalties from this song. But I remind you that 1% of nothing is nothing.


No-one could believe
That Kate paired up with Steve:
A famous hottie, a man who was not.
But we all know how it goes,
Steve, he gradually unfroze.
He started looking good, and suddenly Kate was not so hot.

You can’t win, you can’t break even
No, you can’t quit the game.
It’s all in, nobody’s leavin’
And no matter what you do, the outcome’s the same.
You can’t win, you can’t break even.
You can’t just cash in your chips and walk away,
And everybody has to play,
Everybody has to play.

Everyone knew Claire
Had acting chops to spare,
But people said, “You want fame, you don’t eat.”
She wouldn’t do what she was told,
And her career, it stayed cold.
These days, you lose a little mass, you generate a whole lotta heat

But you can’t win (etc.)

Who would know that Todd
Was once a football god?
He was in rehab, and drowning in debt.
But his porno video, well that only went to show,
You think you’re cold as you can get,
But you can get a little colder yet.

And supermodel Tess
Was born to wear a dress:
No hips, big boobies, and man, was she tall.
But hers was not an empty head,
One day she looked around and said,
“If we’re all the same amount of hot, well really, no-one’s hot at all.”

And you can’t win (etc.)

Everybody has to play (no bystanders)
Everybody has to play (you think you don’t, but)
Everybody has to play.


One thought on “Thermodynamics

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