I Will Win Eurovision For Australia.

I know, it’s not possible for us to compete. But if we could, these are some of the methods I would employ to assure victory.

1. My song will be pitched so that it takes the singer up to her second-highest, rather than her highest note. This way, when she’s nervous singing live in front of six billion people, she won’t blow a gasket on the key change.

2. My song will be presented by someone with a small, innocuous amount of quirkiness – enough to be memorable, but only just. Like a singer in bare feet, or Kate Miller-Heidke. Not Ben Lee.

3.  My song will contain:

  • A brief, kitschy opening that refers to our local folk traditions, immediately ousted by a generic pop-rock beat. (This technique, incidentally, should not be employed by countries whose local folk traditions sound Middle Eastern. Too soon.)
  • A chorus which represents a lift in energy and melodic interest from the verse which precedes it, not a desultory slump into mere repetition of the title. The English have been particularly offensive in this regard recently.
  • Five backup singers who can sing, or backup dancers who can dance. No mixing.

4.  My song will not contain:

  • 40 year-old men busting out a hip-hop move
  • A vampire bride
  • Anyone dressed as a naughty schoolgirl

5.  My title will have a sexual connotation, but it will also be possible to interpret it as an anthem of hope for the future. This is where Gina G went wrong back in 1996: the song should have been called Ooh Aah, Just a Little Bit (More Freedom).

Specific and jingoistic phrases are right out.

Good Titles:

  • It’s Coming
  • Feel It Tonight
  • Be With You Forever

Bad Titles:

  • Suck It, Croatia
  • Euro-You, Euro-Me, Euro-Us
  • China Will Bury Us All
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10 thoughts on “I Will Win Eurovision For Australia.

    • Absolutely. We understand camp, we love kitsch, we’re as European as Israel and Turkey, and won’t ruin everything by being really good.

  1. This post makes up for the fact that I missed it (dud SBS reception).

    Isn’t “small, innocuous amount of quirkiness” basically a rigorous definition of Ben Lee?

  2. For what it’s worth, Pete, this is hilarious and judging by the serious number of people I know interested in things Eurovision … well, next year I’d be sending that little number off to a major daily if I were you.

  3. Please write, record and post this song – we will imagine the back-up singers/dancers (on that point what is your feeling on cosmetic enhancement?).

    Many thanks

    • Cosmetic enhancement? Did Cliff Richard need cosmetic enhancement? Did Bucks Fizz need cosmetic enhancement?

      OK, forget I mentioned Bucks Fizz.

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