I know, it’s not possible for us to compete. But if we could, these are some of the methods I would employ to assure victory.
1. My song will be pitched so that it takes the singer up to her second-highest, rather than her highest note. This way, when she’s nervous singing live in front of six billion people, she won’t blow a gasket on the key change.
2. My song will be presented by someone with a small, innocuous amount of quirkiness – enough to be memorable, but only just. Like a singer in bare feet, or Kate Miller-Heidke. Not Ben Lee.
3. My song will contain:
- A brief, kitschy opening that refers to our local folk traditions, immediately ousted by a generic pop-rock beat. (This technique, incidentally, should not be employed by countries whose local folk traditions sound Middle Eastern. Too soon.)
- A chorus which represents a lift in energy and melodic interest from the verse which precedes it, not a desultory slump into mere repetition of the title. The English have been particularly offensive in this regard recently.
- Five backup singers who can sing, or backup dancers who can dance. No mixing.
4. My song will not contain:
- 40 year-old men busting out a hip-hop move
- A vampire bride
- Anyone dressed as a naughty schoolgirl
5. My title will have a sexual connotation, but it will also be possible to interpret it as an anthem of hope for the future. This is where Gina G went wrong back in 1996: the song should have been called Ooh Aah, Just a Little Bit (More Freedom).
Specific and jingoistic phrases are right out.
- It’s Coming
- Feel It Tonight
- Be With You Forever
- Suck It, Croatia
- Euro-You, Euro-Me, Euro-Us
- China Will Bury Us All