We walked in the garden. We planted a tree (Pt II).

Dear Mutt,

Look, I’ve really been struggling with this.  I know what you were going for, trying to reveal the singer’s true motives late in the song, in a kind of plot twist, and it’s fine that she lies to rain-boy, but she can’t lie to us, the listeners, you know?  Because it’s all about the fans, Mutt.  And I know you live in a Swiss chalet made of money, award statuettes and Shania Twain merchandise, so you couldn’t really give a rat’s what I think, but posterity is a harsh, harsh judge, Mutt.

So I’ve tried to keep what’s essential about your first effort – the hatred of women, the cruel narrator, the absence of romance – while injecting some inner logic, some consistency.  I hope you’ll appreciate what I’ve done, and maybe you can do the same for me one day.

Incidentally, she can’t go to a hotel that is a place she knows well, you dummy.  It raises all kinds of problems later.

It was a rainy night when he came into sight
Standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat
So I pulled up alongside and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while
I tried real hard not to stare, checked his teeth and head of hair
I studied his face, remembered my mace
He seemed pretty dumb, I lied just in case

“All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will, you want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
You knock me up, that’s OK too”

So we found this hotel, both ignoring the smell
We made magic that night. Oh, he did everything right
He brought the woman outta me, so many times, needlessly
And in the morning when he woke all I’d left him was a note

I told him I am the compost, you are the seed
Or I’m a tree surgeon, de-sapping your tree
Don’t try to find me, please not at all
If we need a kidney, we’ll give you a call

All I had to do is conceive with you
One fertile night was all we knew
All I had to do was conceive with you
I was ovulatin’ ’bout halfway through

Oh, oooh, we made love
Love like parents
All night long
We made la-harv …

Then it happened one day, I whored it up the same way
He was so surprised to see
I’d brought the first kid with me
I said please, please understand
I’m in love with another man
But we cannot make babies, wo-uh-ooh-oh
So we hatched this ridiculous plan …

All I had to do was conceive with you
One fertile night was all we knew
All I had to do was conceive with you
Do you wanna try for number two?

All I wanna do is conceive with you
One fertile night was all we knew
All I wanna do is conceive with you
Frankly, any guy will prob’ly do

(etc.)

Regards,

Peter

PS  Trust me, Mutt.  Sing it like the original.

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