We walked in the garden. We planted a tree.

This wretched, wretched song was written by “Mutt” Lange.  Can it be saved?  Let’s see:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight
Standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat
So I pulled up alongside and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while – so far, very Mills & Boon, but no catastrophes.

I didn’t ask him his name, this lonely boy in the rain – except that he’s not in the rain any more.  You picked him up.
Fate tell me it’s right, is this love at first sight
Please don’t make it wrong, just stay for the night – you want Fate to stay for the night?  When did you start addressing rain-boy?

All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will you want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
I’ve got lovin’ arms to hold on to – We’ll assume you’re still talking to the boy here.  Or us, you tramp.

So we found this hotel, it was a place I knew well
We made magic that night. Oh, he did everything right
He brought the woman outta me, so many times, easily
And in the morning when he woke all I left him was a note – Well, if you were there when he woke, you might have said something …

I told him I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden we planted a tree – Difficult to hear, could be “you are the sea”, but botanically this makes no sense.
Don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is make love to you
I’ve got lovin’ arms to hold on to

Oh, oooh, we made love
Love like strangers – Fumbling, can’t remember names, don’t know where the bathroom is …
All night long
We made la-harv …

Then it happened one day, we came round the same way – Who is “we”?
You can imagine his surprise when he saw his own eyes – without the above video, this makes no sense.  The single most important part of the song requires a visual aid.  Bravo, Mutt, bravo.

I said please, please understand
I’m in love with another man
And what he couldn’t give me
was the one little thing that you can – Ah, so you were lying when you said you wanted to make love to him.  You really just want a baby, and you’ve found a highly unscientific, dangerous and emotionally devastating method of going about it.  You’re a monster.

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I want to do is make love to you
Come on, say you will, you want me too – but you just confessed to him.  Why are you still on about this?  And besides, it’s no longer true because you have a baby.  Wait.  My God, you went back to the hotel to do it again, didn’t you?  AND YOU BROUGHT YOUR CHILD?

The more I think about this song, the less sense it makes, Mutt.  I’ll do a little work on it, if you don’t mind.

Subsequent EDIT: The improved version, with vocal “performance” by yours truly, can be found here.

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